Frankly Speaking

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Loved this video - discovered it on a friend's website (www.nesting for natalie.blogspot.com) It inspired me to share...

"Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

I rarely discuss the decision making process to adopt a little girl from China, not because it doesn't matter, but more so, because it matters so much. It was a personal and innate decision that we, as husband and wife, shared and had for some time. We discussed the prospect of adoption long before we were even married and found that both of us were all for it, and perhaps we would not even try to have children. We just knew that we wanted a family.

Then, remarkably, shortly after our honeymoon, we discovered we were pregnant with Emily - we were, needless to say, "over the moon". Eight weeks into that pregnancy, I lost Emily's twin. We were certain the entire pregnancy had been lost. We were anguished about it, but it reestablished for us our plan. The doctor suggested an ultrasound. We went to that appointment sad, but stoic, and thankful that the Lord had chosen to take our baby from us early on. I was so happy my husband was there, he was comforting, kind and I was reminded that day all the reasons I married this man. The technician showed us the empty sac and then moved the wand to display a tiny lima bean shaped object beating a mile a minute. She did a double take, called in another technician and then began to giggle and cry at the same time (she had a three month old at home). Upon all of this activity, we could only assume there was good news and so we joined in the giggling and tears. That pregnancy would prove flawless. Emily came into this world and into our lives with such joy. Delivery was easy (sort of) and the aftermath would prove much more difficult as I had some complications, but nothing we couldn't handle and we were hooked--couldn't wait to have another.

Because of our loss at eight weeks of Em's twin, we decided to wait a little longer to share our good fortune when we discovered we were having another baby. It was hard to hide though, because I was violently ill with that pregnancy - I was certain something was wrong and the doctors were not pleased with my weight loss and the constant sickness that plagued me. They prescribed medicine I could not take with an 18 month old, it made me entirely non-functioning. So, I stopped that real quick and just suffered. All of a sudden, whammo - the sickness stopped and I remember wanting a doughnut in the worst way. I think I knew. A few days later, I called the doctor to tell them the sickness was subsiding - I was about 17 weeks along. They assured me that even if something was wrong, we had to let nature take it's course. An ultrasound would tell us what we did not want to know, our baby had died, and so I went in to have the baby taken (that is the way they put it). When I was in recovery, the nurses placed a yellow rose on my door - it is their way of alerting staff that the patient has lost a child. I went home without our baby.

So, we were back to the discussion again, adopt or try again?? We would become pregnant one more time. This time, we kept it a complete secret. We shared only with our parents and the family with whom I work (because there are certain hazards in my job). Everyone around us was having babies or trying to and we didn't see the point in scaring others if we would have another loss. Everything was going smoothly. My belly grew, each week we were more confident. There was a lot of movement - it was all good. I went for a routine check up, only it turned out to be not so routine. And this time, I was by myself and much further along. I'd see that yellow rose precariously placed on my door once again. Long story short, our Noah was born to heaven on a beautiful fall day.

We agreed that God's plan was for our child to come to us another way. The geneticists were optimistic and implored us to "keep trying". We felt the call to do something else and my, are we thankful. Hannah was meant to be our daughter. Emily saw her in her dreams, early on. Our strong conviction to adopt a child was always there for a reason and each day when I look at her, I am certain we were chosen for each other.

I have discovered that there is healing power in the experiences of others. Though, we typically do not bring up the elephant in the room, I have found that someone, somewhere may benefit from our story. I recall a good friend, whose sister had been diagnosed with Cancer. We were together one evening and she offered for her sister, "Hi, I am ____ and I brought Cancer with me tonight." It broke the ice, allowed for some embracing of her sister and the difficult time she was experiencing. From that point forward, whenever we meet, we discuss which issue we have brought with us when we are together (loss, unruly children, sick parents, etc.)